On Hats

There has never been a time in my lifetime when it was necessary or fashionable to wear a hat on a daily basis. That is unless one is a male between the ages of 16-36, in which case one has no choice but to wear a baseball cap everywhere but in the shower. Or if you are some sort of Dungeons and Dragons nerd who finds it necessary to wear a top hat, because it gives you some sort of magical powers.  Still, those are just a few varieties of hat intended for a minority of human beings. Hats are really interesting, and sometimes I think it is a shame that we don't wear them anymore except to find shade or warmth. I suppose I prefer living in an age when I can go outside hatless without the neighbors thinking I've given up all respectability and decided to become a floozy, but it would be nice to wear a hat without it looking eccentric.

The other day I attended an event to honor one of our more heroic state representatives, and I was amused to see that in the short video tribute to her service this stately woman ALWAYS wore a hat. Not the same hat, mind you, but a different felt, feather, and studded confection to match her outfit. She looked like someone one had to take seriously (and probably shouldn't cuss in front of lest you wanted a slap across your saucy mouth). I could tell she was a force to behold even without her hats, but there is no doubt that her sartorial choices sealed the deal. She looked dignified without seeming imperious. Why don't more people go for this look?

Yesterday, while listening to that fucktard talk on his cell phone, I was temporarily distracted by an old man walking along the sidewalk wearing a blue woolen naval cap. You know, kind of like this:

It looked natural on him, and complemented his turtleneck and blazer ensemble perfectly. It got me to thinking, "Why that hat?" Is this guy a sailor by trade? Has he commanded a fleet, or at least set sail on the ocean blue? Has he hunted a great white beast that haunts his dreams, or sweltered under the heat of the noon-day sun as his ship languished in the doldrums? Has he cut an open course on a virgin sea, or found it true that the canvas can do miracles?

What does this guy know that the rest of us do not?

Another thought that occurred to me was that he might be wearing the hat in the unlikely event of a natural disaster, when society's rules become null and only an obvious leader can deliver us from certain doom. Imagine it: No electricity, no water, food must be rationed, the extreme couponers have barricaded themselves in their toilet paper and Tide filled basements, and no one can be trusted. But then you look up, and there's this man with captain's cap perched casually on his balding pate. Between him and the roving gang of listless 20-somethings cut off from their cellular plans, who are you going to trust. Yeah, the man with authority, that's who.

There is, now that I'm thinking about it, one type of hat that I want very much to fall out of favor, and that is the knit cap worn in summer. No matter how cool people think they look dressed this way, I've got no love for this look. The first type that comes to mind when I see this, is Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad. This guy is a useless tweaker, who may be loyal but you can't count on him to think. Why would anyone want to look like this character?

Skinny Pete has a point. I think he's made mine, too.